I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
