I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
