my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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