This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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