New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
