I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
