Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
