mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
