He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
