Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
