It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
