In the future we'll all be gay
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
