I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
