Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
