Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
