I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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