So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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