I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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