do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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