You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
