I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Pants are for mortals
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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