Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
high people should be assigned attendants
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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