i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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