hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
