I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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