i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
