Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
