Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
