my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
