he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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