Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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