its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I supernannyed him into submission
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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