just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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