I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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