She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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