never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
