he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
