I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
there is glitter all over my balls
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
