maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
