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I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i believe in u and ur pee
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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