i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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