two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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