Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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