Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
