So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
