I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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