P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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