i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
