for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
