you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
