She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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