I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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