I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
