Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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