it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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