I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
